💠sleep ... and my journey to acceptance
sleep is a hard thing to come by. ever since the start of homeschool, it has been a topic that ive–in all honesty– been obsessing over to no end.
why? I honestly don't know, it may be an irrational need–a force of habit or unknowing pressure, but it became really bad once i struggled with insomnia, now sleep has become a topic I've been unhealthily obsessing over and forcing myself to commit to.
I am completely and utterly obsessed with sleeping at rational times, out of fear of having my schedule and plans ruined to an unexpected dissatisfaction. in other words, I am being an utter control freak, and my need to always sleep has honestly lead me to some difficulties with sleeping in general, even when remedies are easy to come by, my frustration when they dont work grows even more.
only today, this morning of April 11th, from 12 AM to the sunrise of 6 AM, did i fully realize and accepted that i don't need to pressure myself, that i was able to enjoy and fully commit to something, and freely sleep once my body is ready.
its hard, letting myself have this freedom. i couldn't even let myself have this freedom during homeschool, i won't lie that it feels–even now, wrong. i fear something that will never come, nd i force my mind and body into overtime by worrying about something that's whole point is 'relaxation'. a little ironic, isn't it?
this is my message of acceptance, full acceptance that maybe sleep will not come to me conventionally, but i realize that morning of peace, when I sat down and did other things like read club penguin books, was genuinely blissful, it felt good and productive, i was enjoying myself, it felt better than laying down in the middle of the night with utter frustration and anxiety, waking up and inconveniencing others to my benefit, it felt nice.
when I let myself relax, and when I let myself accept, fully accept that sleep may not be coming, and let myself know that it's okay instead of beating myself up, I start to mellow out a bit, and really enjoy what life has to offer. it makes me feel happy.
so this is a message to my insomnia, you don't control me or my thoughts, and you don't control the things I do. it may be a long journey, but i want to start somewhere and let myself be free of pressure.
its summer, i literally, genuinely can do whatever i want. nevermind a broken sleep schedule, it doesn't define me as a person, or what i do and how I choose to do things.
im ok with being a sleepy guy with 3-4 hours of sleep, or a guy who sleeps at 6 am in the morning.
that's ok :)
and my message, to maybe an insomnia-having rookie in the future, don't worry man.
its ok, let us be a sleepy guy, but also let us enjoy things.. B)